King of the Door-to-door Salesmen
by Joshua Blanc
Click! Marvin Post turned on the TV.
"...We interrupt your favourite show to bring you -- a paid advertisement!" said a loud presenter.
"Oh dear, I've spilled the waffle-mix again, all over the kitchen counter," said a paid actor made up to look like an ordinary housewife.
"Spilled the waffle-mix?" said the presenter again. "Well don't cry over it. Try new 'Waffle-Balls!' No-mess balls of hardened waffle- mix that you can just pop into the waffle iron and flatten with one simple flick of the wrist!"
Flick! The ordinary housewife took the Waffle Ball and squashed it in the waffle iron.
"Oh no! My wrist!" she cried.
"Hurt your wrist from using the waffle iron? Then try new--"
Marvin switched to another channel.
There's no way I'd buy crap like that, he thought. I've got self control. Not like the other poor shmucks out th--.
Knock knock knock!
He heard a knock at the door. Well, actually it was three.
Knock knock knock!
"Yes, I'm coming! Hold your horses."
G-chk, click, cl-click. He unbuttoned his door. On the doorstep stood a smartly-dressed man with slicked hair.
"Why hello, my good sir," said the man. "May I interest you in a Platinum Doggie Treat?"
The salesman pulled the said object from a large leather bag he carried.
"It's only five bucks."
"But I don't own a dog," said Marvin.
"Well that's no problem, sir. I can sell you one of those as well. Hang on a second."
The salesman rummaged in his bag, and pulled out a cocker-spaniel.
"How about that? And he's only five bucks!"
"Hmm. Well I don't really want a dog, y'know."
"Okay, how about a cat?" The salesman stuffed the poor dog back into his bag and returned with a meowing cat. "Just look at this adorable little fellow."
Marvin reached for his handkerchief. "Ooog! I'm allergic to cats!"
"Oh, I am sorry, sir. But I can fix that for you with some all-purpose allergy medicine, from Shiz(tm)! Only five bucks, and it's yours."
"No thanks, I have my own medicine."
"Alrighty. How about ... a lawn ornament? Nice little garden gnome? Would look nice in your driveway."
"But I don't have a lawn. Not even out back."
"I sell lawns too, if you'd like one." The salesman unfolded an endless ream of cut sod from his perplexing bag of tricks.
"Wait! Wait! I don't want a lawn! There seems to be nothing you won't sell me."
"That's right, sir. You want it, I've got it."
Marvin gaped for a moment. "You're kidding me. You mean to say that you can pull anything, absolutely anything out of that bag of yours, and it only costs five bucks?"
Marvin's eyes widened.
"Then I want a woman!" he said, savouring the words.
"A woman, sir?"
"Yes! A beautiful, smart, sexy woman!"
"That's going to cost you a little more than five bucks, sir."
"How much more?
"Let me see. It'll cost you five bucks, and ..."
"A platinum doggie treat, a dog, a cat, some all purpose allergy medicine, a garden gnome, and a lawn."