Sportsocks
by Joshua Blanc
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"Hello, and welcome to the Rabbit-bowl. I'm your host, Bernie
Pretzel. Now that the rain is over, our game of Field Socky reconvenes
in the sixth inning. The teams have taken their places on the field,
and here comes the Ref, Charlie O'hare, to start them off. But first,
a word from our sponsor!" "Mushroooooom, Mushroom Lager! Hey! It tastes like mushrooms! It gets you drunk out of your mind! It's Mushroom Lager(tm)! Get yourself a seven pack today! (May cause blindness, loss of eyesight, or failure to be able to see)." "Oh-ho-ho-hokay! Back to the main event. Jolly Roger McBoon has the sock. He makes a wide pass to team-mate Carl Henderson of Looksville, Alabama. Carl tosses a woldensnodge to Barry Carmichael -- Fullback and Half-front for their team: the Snotkickers. They can be identified by their green jerseys. "The opposing team today are the Hoopsville Bongdongers. They can be identified by the size of their Jockey Shorts, if you get my drift. Whoah! Barry shoots a long-throw over the goal-drawer. It hits a bystander! I'm afraid he's outa the game! "With one penalty to the Snotkickers and no goals for either team this far into the game, it looks like there'll be some soreheads out there today. The teams scrum-in for a toe-ticklin' before the next stick- off. With a whistle from the Ref, the game is on again. This time the Bongdongers grab the sock. Oh no, this is too much! Gizz Furrbutt, lead runner, has stuffed the sock down his pants! How are the Snots gonna even attempt a touch-up after this foul play? Oof! Well, I guess that was our answer -- Carl just kneed an offense right where it hurts. He adds insult to injury with a painful power-wedgie. "The sock is once again in the hands of the Snotkicker team. But I can tell you, sportlovers, I wouldn't be hanging onto it after it'd been down that player's pants. Now Jolly Roger passes to Frigitz, Frigitz passes to Onglom, and Onglom passes wind. That extra burst sends Onglom towards the goal-drawer, and pow! The opposing team intercepts! They've smashed the drawer shut on Onglom's head! That has gotta be painful. "Omar Rakim Dewaller-Blitzen, captain of the Bong team, runs the sock all the way down the sideline -- straight for the Snots' Goal-drawer. Will he get it in? No! He's blocked! He throws to Sedvir, and Sedvir slides into the rough. Gravel-rash is an understatement, folks. "The sock is in the air. Who will catch it? No, not that; the sock. All players have fallen out of their positions to try and catch the sock. This looks like a mistake. I can see it. The players are converging ... yes ... yeeeessss ..." KRRRRRRUUUUNCHHH! "I think that sound speaks for itself. The players are down, every last one of 'em, and it doesn't look like they'll be getting up in much of a hurry. Well, it looks like that's the end of our match. As soon as the players have been cleared from the parking-lot, the half-time show will repeat indefinitely until someone thinks of something better to finish the afternoon off with. Thanks for watching!" |